So here I am about a month into finding my way out here on my own. Work is up and running, all of the boxes at home are unpacked and now the silence sets in. I find myself sitting in the silence looking around me and realizing that the silence and solitude that I had so desperately longed for is deafening. When the house is empty and I find myself sitting alone I’m so lost. I feel so lost.
I keep trying to fill my time as I clean the kitchen multiple times a day. I fill the cats bowl even if just a bit is missing. I think I swept the floor four times today. Busy, why do I always have to be busy? Its as if moving gives my mind something more to focus on than the void. For 12 years I lived in a state of giving all of myself to home and family and now the family just seems so different.
Today, In preparation for the impending snow storm I crawled under my house looking for a gas line that would feed the fireplace for more heat. In the dirt and the darkness I couldn’t help but feel both independent and sad at the same time. I am not built for all of this. Can I do it? Sure. I don’t even really mind doing it. The parts that I wish were different are parts that I cant seem to secure. I wish I had someone to care for me like a man should not because I cant or because I am weak but because that’s just how I always had life pictured. I stood outside checking my oil in my old car freezing and the loneliness crept over me. I drive to work now in a half state of panic knowing that if I break down I have no one to call for the rescue. I know nothing about cars and the thought of talking to a mechanic for a repair on my 17 year old car just seems so overwhelming. It would be like listening to Charlie Browns teacher.
My house can’t possibly get any cleaner. There are times that to escape my mind I just lay in bed and go to sleep only to wake up in the morning and stare at the gray ceiling studying the swirls in the paint or counting the seams in the walls.
My phone is quiet but I still check it all the time just incase someone messaged. I scroll blankly and see people smiling with their partners and wonder if that will ever be in the cards for me. People tell me that when I’m ready it will happen. That I need to find myself first. That these moments and steps are necessary. “don’t rush it. Be patient.” I suppose those words are true If i have learned anything from this last year its that patience renders some pretty amazing things but sometimes the waiting is the hard part.
Maybe, if I look at my current lot in life as preparing instead of waiting my soul will settle. There is a lot of work to be done if I am to be the best partner for someone else as well. I wonder if that’s what people mean by “be you” in terms of dating. But if Im honest that whole “be you” theory never really worked out so well for me.
I’ve gone on a few dates and it seems that dating in your mid 30s is so much more complicated than in your 20s. There is a lot of selfishness out there. A lot of broken out there. A lot of fear out there that people just cant break through. The walls around peoples hearts seems so unbreakable so everything just seems so on the surface. The empath that I am struggles with that. People run so quickly from themselves. The purpose of a relationship is to work as a team and that’s a concept that seems so lost in the current climate. I’m not sure if it is our generation or what but it’s so against my way of thinking and, in my view, a surefire way to fail. What I have seen so far is that people out there don’t want a relationship they want certain voids filled and try to fill them with various different people at the same time instead of building with that one person. No one wants to build or grow anymore and that saddens me. Everyone is stagnating themselves.
Anyway, I am starting to get the hang of paying bills and organizing my paperwork. I never really managed my own bills before now. I thought it was going to be harder than it is to be honest. My health insurance card came in the mail and I just held it in my hand as if it was some amazing thing that I was the primary person providing it. In some silly way there have been a lot of these moments lately that I have felt pride in being able to accomplish things on my own. Things so simple and small to most people seem so big to me now.
My hair is all grown in now. Its at the awkward phase where none of it is at the same length so I keep it in a pony tail most of the time with a headband. I have been trying to think of a new hobby to pick up since my hockey season seems to be awash with the whole covid lockdown keeping hockey shutdown.
The kids are getting settled in. They are back to school full time and the bus for Aiden is all set up. They have him on a special bus this year that has a wheelchair lift which is kind of strange to be honest with you but his Bus driver Brian is probably the most positive and bubbly person I have ever dealt with in the morning. Aiden is still having trouble sleeping at night and sometimes I feel terrible waking him up for school in the morning after knowing he has only been asleep for four hours but I know I have to. Its the momma in me that just wants to let him sleep. It is for this reason I work afternoons because sleep is so hit or miss for Aiden and I lately.
I spend all my time at home. Partly because of the restaurants being closed. I will sometimes have a friend come over but that’s rare. I’m finding that people coming over seems to be overwhelming at times. I know I know that dichotomy of not wanting to be alone but not wanting people around is very real. I don’t know what that is about I have never been like that before guess Ill have to just let that feeling work its self out on its own.
well, that’s about it for now my life in a nutshell. Its kind of all over the place but I’m sure everything I’m learning, thinking and feeling has its place somewhere in finding my way. Someday I suppose Ill be ready but right now I guess its just time to surrender my pride to grow.