Allow me to take a time out from all this Autism Jazz. I want to take a moment to write for me. Sure, this is probably against some kind of “successful blogging code” but tonight I just need a moment to come up from air.
You see, I’m not the most logical person. Every part of this life is filtered through my soul and morphs into every emotion as I battle to hang on to the logic the world says is acceptable. You see, I am the one that will stop in the middle of a crowd to listen to the lyrics of a song just a bit closer. I am the one that can look across the room at a couple and see that the girl doesn’t want to be with that guy. I’m the girl that drives down the road with a love song on the radio dreaming of something different.
I make a lot of mistakes in my life as I lose the battle between emotion and logic. Even now, as my children and husband sleep I sit awake with my headphones on writing as if to try to find myself somehow knowing I will pay for this loss of sleep in the morning.
Every morning as I look at the bills on the table reminding me that I am an adult I walk right past them and look out the window admiring the sun as it rises. I’m still that young girl that sees the hope in the sunset and I still love the night. Its the time when the static of the world goes away for just a moment and I can allow myself to drift off into my own little dream world filled with romance and passionate kisses. Sometimes, I take a moment and remember what it was like to have all the hope and excitement of the world before me.
I walk through my day as if I am not truly welcome here. I am a dreamer stuck in a world full of solid facts. I walk through the day as if I am living in a fake world. A world that is rigid, angry and I feel so out of place as I push my true self down. I walk straight faced hiding behind a diagnosis that isn’t even mine. I write these words that everyone says that they love and yet I cant help but feel sad because though they are mine they aren’t me. They are the words that I am hiding behind because its acceptable. There’s so much more going on inside of me but its not safe. That’s not allowed. Do I dare take that step out of my safety zone? Do I dare share who I am? That would be blogging suicide. and what if my boss saw it? my husband? my sons therapists? what then?
I guess I’m growing weary of the facad. I guess I am reaching a point in my life where I know that someday someone somewhere will see past it all. Its not just the four walls of this house or the constraints of his autism or the jealousy of watching other families living my dream sometimes its the feeling of sadness at the realization that there is no room for me here and so each and everyday I pretend to be the strong person that I am not.
As I sang tonight in bed he said “what, you arent sensitive at all” I just looked at him as my heart dropped. I do come off as cold. I’m always tense because I don’t feel safe here. I’m on survival mode. Its hard hiding yourself when what you are is something the world deems as weakness and we all know weakness isn’t OK. A weakness is where the world always pounces and pounced it has. This must be what its like for aiden. Its so tough to live in a world you can’t connect to. And that’s why I say, he is my soul in human form. I get it Aiden. More than you know babe.
Its rare that I get a moment like this. Its rare to see me open the book that is me. But tonight I have to admit the emptiness that sits all around me. I’m out of ideas and ways to hide behind it. Im running out of gas and out of hope. Tomorrow I will wake up to a To Do list just as I do every morning with no room for contemplation. No Zone out time. No dream time. And when I do get a moment I will open my computer and type out some scholarly article about the current goings on of therapy or where he is in his journey and I will pretend that I am on this journey with him. Which sure, I am but sometimes I wonder where my Journey is leading. Where do I belong? Because this life of housework doesn’t seem right. this Autism doesn’t seem right. I guess im not really sure where I belong. what I do know is that I need room to be me. Room to dream. but first, I need to give myself permission to go against the grain of what everyone expects of me.
Thank you for your indulgence. and please when you wake up tomorrow enjoy the sunrise. Skip the coffee and open a coca cola, turn on some love song and let it take you away… you will see…