I think I sat here in this coffee shop for forty five minutes just circling wordpress opening tabs and closing them as this post remained empty. I cant tell it its because I am uninspired or just lonely. I have found myself enjoying my alone time a bit too much. Its been an interesting journey as I get my kids on the bus and go back home to cuddle in bed as I listen and take in the silence that surrounds me.
Its kind of amazing that in the last ten years I survived having three babies, three toddlers (at one time having three in diapers), an autism diagnosis, hearing loss diagnoses, special classes in school, acronym learning as I entered the special needs community, working inpatient psychiatric and actually suriving it and then in an instant it all stopped. And Silence. Rest.
As I take a moment now to stop and re connect with myself Its amazing to see how I have changed and how I have remained the same. I still cant focus on anything for the life of me but I’m working on that. For the first time in my life I recognize the issue and am putting in a concerted effort to change it.
I think the biggest change in me is that I am not even as close to the sensitive soul that I used to be. I used to be the girl that would lose a tear at the slightest hint of tone in someones voice but now, I just walk away and forget about it. In one way this is good and in another way its a curse. I can walk away from anyone without a second thought and that scares me to a point because that means that I have enough scars that scrapes aren’t felt anymore.
I have learned to fight. I have learned that sometimes silence is the best comeback. I have learned the art of just pushing down the emotions to function at an even level. There was a nurse that I worked with on the unit this last two years that told me, “hey babe, I worry about you, you know we can tell when things at home are tough”. I know he was referencing my sons Autism but what I held back was it wasn’t just the autism. It was the battle in my head I have to fight on a daily basis.
Having ADHD as an adult has been tough. At 34 it’s no longer acceptable to be unorganized. It’s no longer acceptable to forget appointments or bills that need to be paid. It’s no longer funny or cute and the pressure is ever mounting to be consistent in a brain that is anything but. There are days I am on top of my game and there are other days that it takes all my effort to remember the wet clothes still sitting in the washer .Add that to the consistency needed in the world of autism and its a recipe for dissension.
But, at the same time, where I fail other people excel. The man at the table behind me, dressed up in a suit writing emails and making phone calls coordinating some project i cant help but wish that I could be like that. I watch my husband, who is an architect, and marvel at his ability to coordinate schedules, budgets, projects and meetings and wish I could be more like that. But then, I have to sit back and remember that I am quite adept at interactions with many different kids of people. I have that keen sense about empathy and placing myself in others’ shoes. It is next to impossible for me to harbor hard feelings to anyone even if they wrong me because I know that everyone is coming at this whole life thing from a different angle and with a different set of eyes. That’s not to say though that I keep people in my life that aren’t a positive force. Separation does not equal anger or hatred it just means difference and in many case peace. We all have a different story to write, characters come and go and that’s what keeps life interesting and us learning.
Everyone has a purpose, even my son who cannot talk. and his purpose is huge especially in my life. Whats amazing about him is that though he cant talk he has me pegged. If he finds my keys in some obscure place he will find them and throw them in our clean dish strainer next to the sink so I wont lose them. Hes so amazing. Life is amazing if we all just take a moment to reconnect. This is my time to reconnect and re-evaluate before I jump back out into the world.