Life has been weird lately. That’s the best word I can think of to describe it. Between the four snow days my children have had in the last week and the career change I cant help but sit back and notice the oddities.
I sat back the other night and watched the united states state of the union address and cocked my head to the side as I watched the women dressed in all white, I guess in solidarity but for what I’m still not sure, as they rolled their eyes and remained seated our president talked about protecting our borders and our babies. As the anger coarsed through my veins I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of embarrassment. If women aren’t even going to protect our babies then who will? I let out a sigh and averted my eyes as the voice inside my head questioned how different this America is from the one my grandfather (A world war two veteran) had spoken so proudly of.
disenchanted, I opened the latest obscure autobiography I was engrossed in and read about the time the writer had attended his brother wedding expecting some intimate conversation as they prepared in their hotel room prior to attending the service but instead what he witnessed was silence as the men watched television while they adjusted their ties. At this I closed the book and looked over at my husband as he adjusted another line on the blueprint he had been working on for a building project he had been so proud to be placed on but had taken the majority of his attention and his time for the past few months. So I just rolled over and turned on the news podcast from the evenings news I purposely miss so I can fall asleep to it later, closed my eyes and drifted away from the nothingness inside of me.
Tonight, as I sat at the table after preparing a very intricate meal of Cornish hens, homemade mashed potatoes, gravy and fresh green beans I helped my son with his homework as my other child’s BCBA sifted through forms that had yet to be signed as I listened to therapy being conducted within ear shot. Between work and his therapy This was hour five of ABA today. The scripted “do this” followed by over-correction and unnatural voice intonations left me feeling so empty.
As i drew my bath and settled in the extra warm water I looked at the kid’s clothes still on the floor after their baths and wished for just one real connection. I couldn’t help but think about the strange surface conversations and how odd life has become. I thought about the insanity of it all and wondered what reality really is. I thought about myself as a young teenager dreaming of romance and safety and wished so much for that innocent view to return. I think today is the day that it hit me that for the past ten years I have been walking around with a broken heart and with every attempt to repair it more seems to be taken from it.
Maybe its just one of those days, Maybe its just deep contemplation. Maybe its just the sadness. Maybe its the autism or maybe, just maybe Its that this world has in fact lost its mind. Where has the romance gone? Where has love gone? Are we are all so lost? Maybe my guard is down because I am no longer on the unit. Maybe I feel safe to take a breath. Maybe I’m finally stopping to look around and what I’m seeing are things that were not there before. Maybe I’m just different than I was before. Maybe this is what its like to get older. All I know, is that the protection of my house and the silence is becoming a great friend of mine and at night when all the kids are tucked in their beds and the doors are finally locked for the night and I settle in for the long sleepless night I open to that blank page and there I am. The person no one knows. the sensitive, loving, dreamer nomadic in the very sense of the word. But then, as the sun rises the book closes and nothing makes sense anymore. Like the ghost voices that still travel the corridors of my mind of old friends that said they would always be there whom I have not seen in years or the feelings of uncertainty that find me at the most unexpected of moments. Is this only my reality? Or is this what life is? A seriese of battles between what we know as real and what is actually real. Maybe, just maybe I am trying to construct a reality based on an errant landscape. Maybe, the only reality can be found in what man has not touched. Maybe its in the realms unseen. Like in nature where animalistic nature is concrete and not marred by flawed logic or any logic at all.
I am not so sure what it is that draws me to dysfunction. Maybe I was constructed this way. Maybe I was made this way by circumstance. What I do know, is that its a darn good thing I am good at adapting. Its a darn good thing I know how to interact with it. Its a darn good thing that I am good at talking to walls because it seems I have been doing that all of my life. This past year as I settled in on that couch for therapy hearing for the two thousandth time “You have ADHD” and sending me on my way with pamphlets telling me all about my symptoms of forgetfulness and procrastination I knew they woud not help me and told them as such as the therapist tried their hand at reassurance but t then the very next week I was subsequently charged a steep fee for forgetting my next appointment. Blindly punishing me for the very things I had to come to them for help for. I never went back. I never will. I have come to peace with my “symptoms” it is me and nothing will change that. I have no interest in battling who I am and apparently the powers that be don’t either. I would rather be eccentric and caring than educated and disconnected and ultimately in debt to those paid by the hour.