I dont know why i keep thinking about that day. That day you slipped away. I remember it so clearly as the doctor said the word “Severe”. I remember leaning forward as my mom sat back and gasped in that that small dark room. Everyone waiting expectantly for me to cry but I didn’t. I pressed in as my heart raced “so where do we go from here?” was all I could say. In some strange way you were never you after that even though all that had changed was a word for all we had been apperceiving.
I remember driving home from the place that used to give me so much freedom and leaving it right there in that doctors office on liberty street. The ride home was silent as I held my hand out the window and let the wind calm me. It was sunny. Not a word was spoken between us as you stared out the window watching the clouds pass as you always did. But this time something was different. It wasn’t just you that was lost. It was all of us.
Now, I knew you were gone. Lost in a place that I could not bring you back. I had no clue how different life would be. Nothing looked the same. It was like parents entering a hospital to have their first child and walking out parents with a whole new purpose only this purpose would be one of survival. It would test every tenacious belief I had ever held about about the world. Excitement would be replaced with fear. Wonder would be replaced by isolation. Dreams would be replaced with denials. Sports would be replaced with therapies. Date nights with my husband would be replaced with nights sitting at a restaurant filled with despondency.
The day you slipped away and your words faded into silence was the day that my whole world changed. IT was the day that I began throwing away your baby pictures because I couldn’t look at the present in your eyes. Now, I look at you and see empty. nothing is the same. Its like you were stolen. Like our lives were stolen.
You used to run and play and answer when I called your name. You used to call me mommy and say “ight” for light. You used to like the light, but now we eat in darkness because it hurts your eyes. People tell me to accept the life I have to find happiness and I just cant. You were stolen from me. And I don’t know how to find you. No therapy can replace what was taken.
I have one video of you playing, talking and laughing at a dump truck toy. Its the only one I have left. I can’t bare to let it go because it reminds me of a better time. When you were just a boy and I was just your mom.
I remember this one time looking in a mirror and you smiling at yourself as I giggled in the background. You heard a firetruck on the tv and you pointed to it and said “firetruck”. Today a firetruck went down the street with its siren on and you didn’t blink. It didn’t exist in your world and I just stood in your doorway empty and walked away.
I keep asking “why?” “Why us? Why you?” they tell me to stop asking… it does no good. It wont bring you back that those are answers only for God but dont we all wonder why this and why that? Isn’t that what leads us to faith? “why are we here?” read the bible. “Why is that rainbow in the sky?” its all existential in nature so why is my question so abhorrent to so many? Is it because I am expected to just accept it?
“I don’t know how you do it?” they say, “I don’t want to do it… I have to. I don’t want to watch my child struggle through a day at school but I have to. I don’t want to sit on the sidelines spending all my money on therapies as I wish I could be spending that time and money on sports?… I don’t want to watch him get farther and farther behind… but that’s my reality… There is no chance of extradition from any of it. That is my reality”
I needed milk today. Simple a thing I guess. But I sat at the foot of my bed in a state of consternation knowing you would assuredly end up at the end of an aisle in a fit if i were to take you to the market. Your 11 year old body flailing as my heart would pound and my face would grow red. I pictured it in my head and decided to warm up pancakes instead.
Quarentine has become our present state. Protecting the world from our realities. You aren’t the cute autism our society has grown to enjoy in all its humor. People look at you in fear as your arms flap and you scream out but not me. I don’t fear it. I fear them. You are my normal. My entire life has been anomalous since that first day you slipped away now, its the normal I fear. I suppose you brought me to a place where its the normal thats scary because there is no longer a place for us there. I sit in silence in the stands silenced by the light conversation.
I can no longer reach the world where a won game is reason for lost sleep. I no longer care about who said what about whom… Thats lost on me. I try so hard at normal and remain sitting in silence staring at the clock. I have reached the place in life where what others think is huge seems so minuscule to me and I find myself tilting my head to the side wishing I could hand them my soul for just one moment so they could feel how light the trial they face in the scheme of life. I don’t mean this in any derrogatory way. I wish it only to make others lives seem lighter. Its that adage if you only knew how hard it really can be for some people. I am sure there are others that look at me the same.
You don’t talk the same. You, don’t laugh the same. You don’t love the same. You, slipped away. But then, you do talk.. scripted, calculated, apraxic, slurred all while compulsively repeating the same lines from obscure clinique commercials. I smile and repeat your catch phrase for some sort of connection. you smile, flapping your arms and run away satisified and me, I sit, empty missing You.
The day you slipped away, I knew it would never be the same and it hasn’t been since.