I am always happy when the crickets start chirping again. It means that the night is beginning and the chaos can settle for another few hours. When the sun sets is when my soul comes alive. Its when my mind meets my heart and I am able to dream about the person that I want to be. If I am honest who I want to be and who I am have not yet found a balance. I want to be different. I want to be happy beyond the surface. I want the dark thoughts to go away. I want the hopelessless to be replaced with love and happiness.
I want to be loved beyond any limits and I want the safety to love without restraint. I want someone to see the soft parts of me and appreciate them without trying to attack them. I want to dream like I did as a young girl full of wonder that maybe the beautiful parts of this world could outshine the dark parts. I want to go back and not deny myself the tears that needed to be cried. I want to go back and say “no”. I want to go back and run away from that dead body when every party of me wanted to run as I ran that washcloth over his face. I want to permit myself to say “I cant go to that morgue my soul cant handle it”. I want to go back and stop protecting those that had hurt me so.
I have come to a point in my life where I want to look in the mirror and see the woman looking back at me with black and blue hair and say “that blue suits you”. I want to find that place in this world where it is safe to open the most vulnerable parts of me to the fact that autism is not what is hurting me the most.
I want to be different. I want to be like the other women that i see with long perfect flowing hair. I want to be like the women that always seem to have it togther. I want to be like the women with the perfect house, well adapted children and perfect marriage. I am so tired of feeling lost and tired. Tired of hiding the fact that nothing is perfect.
I published once again in Autism parenting magazine and my article was even featured on the cover this month but as I look at the cover I cant help but see the heartache behind the title. I can’t help but see the years of being bullied over writing silently in the back of the class room until I would eventually stop going to class.
There have been some happenstances in my life lately that have made me look at where I have come from. I know there are many around me that only see me as an autism mom but the truth is there is so much more to me. I guess you could say that in a lot of ways psychology ruined me. It took a nieve soul and twisted it, turned it and broke it. In a lot of ways I dont know what reality is. I never had anyone look at me like I am a cynnical person until today. Today was the first day I caught it. Today was the day that I truly recgnized how much i really have changed.
I guess sometimes it takes a run in with your past to show you how much you truly have changed. Until today I didn’t see how much of myself I had lost. Today I texted my mom “am I going to be okay? Because right now it doesn’t feel like I am going to be”.
I am not a fan of daytime. I hate the sun. Once that sun begins to rise I feel myself die just a little more every day. I don’t want to be this way but this is the way I have always been. The night gets me. The softness, the quiet, the shadows that allow for interpretation of what is causing the shadow. The lines of the world seem less rigid once the crickets start singing.
When the rest of the house sleeps is when my soul is allowed to awaken within me. During the day I press it all down to finish the dishes, get the kids to soccer, match socks, do laundry and ask permission from my husband for a quiet moment. Even now as i sit with my headphones on I am listening to a song about change as I watch that familiar scene of my son asking for math homework help as my husband ushers him to wait until commercial.
This morning. I sat on the porch after a sleepless night and as my last two children scurried off to the bus stop i pulled my knees up to my chest and cursed the birds for singing. The lack of cricket sounds left an empty space in me as their song had been the one thing that had gotten me through the long sleepless night. More and more nights have been ending in anger and emptiness. My bodys outline is evident in the large couch in our living room as I have been finding my home there late at night. Sometimes, I open the large sliding door to let the sounds of the night come through and I pretend I’m sleeping in a campground somewhere where nothing matters but who has the biggest campfire.
Take me back to a preacher and a verse. what an amazing lyric. I want to go to church. I try to walk on my own but i keep ending up lost but i don tknow how to reach out. I don’t trust. I don’t depend on anyone. I feel like I need to go back to the love I used to carry within. Unadulterated dreams of what this world could be. Take me back. Take me back to days of rollerblades and crushes. Take me back to a life where going to 7/11 was a fun outing even that has turned into fights in parkinglots because there are DVDs on the top shelf. Nothing is safe.
Psychologists consistently tell me “medication” ‘OCD” “Anxiety” “ADHD” “depression” “Bipolar II” “Hypomania” ” they cant put their finger on what is up. I have more more diagnoses in my life and lets not start on the list of medications that have adorned my medicine cabinet shelves that proved nothing more than a sleep aid. I quit asking for professional help. What if, my issue isnt medical, what if its simply a symptom of a broken heart? before you all jump ship lets think about this. like really.
What happens when your hopes get all up over something you think is going to be the greatest thing in the world like say disney world. You spend years dreaming of how great disney world is going to be so you save up all your money, you buy your tickets and count down the days until you get there only to find that mickey left minnie, daisey is fighting with donald all the rides are shut down because the workers are on strike so you end up wandering aimlessly trying to find something that somewhat would fill your expectations only to get on the ride and its going slower than it should because of the rain. That’s the best way I can describe how my life seems to be going at this point.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. My kid wasn’t supposed to be sick. my other two kids weren’t supposed to be wearing hearing aids they were supposed to be playing hockey and we should be spending our time and money on hockey tournaments not on therapy. I was supposed to be the center of my husbands universe. Silly me. I miss the girl I used to be. full of dreams. full of hope. full of love. I need hope.