rambling

I wonder if he knows how much i am hurting as i sit listening to this music hour after hour with these headphones protecting me from the real world. I look at the empty bottle next to me connecting to the empty space inside. I wonder if he knows what he has done. I close my eyes and sing “breathe, just breathe”.

I come from a life of broken promises. Hidden bottles and nights spent in the back seats of cars. I wonder if he will understand what damage he has done. There is no going back to fix what has been shattered. There is glue but that just doesn’t stick in the cold that surrounds it. I live in the dark hiding behind the walls that have taken an innocent heart and hidden it. 80 proof hides the truth that theres nothing left as I struggle to make through the night. He has no idea what he has done.

Whether i stay or I go this house is empty. There is no love here. There is mere existence and emptiness. I wonder if he ever wonders why I lie awake at night as he sleeps while i write the words in code. I wonder if he will ever feel it. The lost girl laying three rooms away.

The dishes are done, the clothes hanging perfectly as he likes them as he sleeps and I lie there wondering if i have forgotten anything, but then remembering I’m not the only one. I wonder what its like to look in the mirror knowing I am loved. I wonder what its like to look in the mirror without sensing fear. I wonder.

What is a dream if it always falls flat? Dreams of kids, of sports that end in therapies and silence.  there is no freedom here and I’m tired of hiding it. I’m tired of hiding behind all that has been dealt at no fault of my own. I have been the strong one for too long. I go through the papers and the evaluations and blood work and see that I was the one that was there. always there. always standing firm. steadfast. strong. focused. alone.

i talk to God everynight with no reply. I watch the moon and sit alone in the darkness wondering when the world might find me but no one ever comes. I take a deep breath of the crisp air knowing no one will ever find me. There is no rest here. There is no freedom to speak as I would like to. my words are code for what is really happening inside of me. i cant un-glue this hourglass. Time keeps ticking by taking what hope i have left with it. Breathe…just breathe.

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