I think the hardest part of starting over is not knowing where to begin. We separated in february after a twelve year marriage. I left the home and have been staying with my parents in their basement on an air mattress at the ripe old age of 36. The journey has been tough. I have had to learn a lot. I let everything go. The house, the marriage, the cat and everything I had been trying so hard to keep. As I write this, I own nothing but a new kitty named Angela, a broken down truck and some old bookshelves I got today from a friend. I took a break from work after getting laid off during the Covid shut down and decided it was best for me not to return until this season of life was over.
The nights are the hardest. The days fade into one another as I look in the mirror trying to figure out who I am without a marriage to nurture. My whole self was spent making breakfasts, cleaning kitchens and asking how I could help my husband. Without the static of that my mind is busy with trying to handle the silence that surrounds me.
Its 2 am. I’m sitting here alone beneath one small light listening to a soft song on repeat as the children sleep and I’m not really sure what to think. I want to think that someday I will be loved until all the pieces fit back together. That maybe someday I will be worthy of all that I dream of. But in the same thought I wonder if that is even meant for me. I wonder often if, at this point, I’m just too broken to even think that someday I might find my happy. Even if I were to find someone what would that look like with severe autism in tow. I mean dating with severe autism in tow is like trying to eat steak with a spoon. Its all fun and games until my kid flips out in a store and the guy runs.
I’m not so sure where exactly I went so wrong. It seems, at least in my little world, that everyone has everything all figured out but me. I feel so lost with really no clue how to move forward. I suppose just one day at a time will be my motto but its so hard when I stand looking in the mirror and I’m not even sure if the picture in the mirror is even me. So much for that college degree and my published articles. I have the drive and the knowledge what I lack is the opportunity.
I suppose someday Ill get there. What I do know is that I want to be married again someday. I loved being married. I just hope that next time around, if there is one the man will truly love me because at this point Im not sure ive ever been truly loved by a man.