Tonight is the first time that I have thought about putting words to paper since I have moved. I have my own home now. I have made it to the other side of the hard time. I am done losing things and have begun rebuilding. I have a home, two amazing new cats, a brand new car, and three happy kids. My hair is growing back (i had lost all of it from stress and fear, no really I was bald) and just yesterday a brand new bikini came in from amazon that I plan to wear on a trip to visit my best friend in Boston this summer. Tomorrow I will book my plane tickets and I will have the most amazing thing to look forward to. The last time I saw my best friend i was crying in her arms in the middle of the kitchen begging her not to go. When I get to Boston to see her she will see a different girl. A happy girl. A girl who is getting her spark back. When I fly back she is coming back with me and she gets to stay in my home just as she had extended her home in the thick of my divorce. True friendship is an amazing thing.
My job is up and running on the psychiatric unit and what a pivotal thing it has been to be back to work. It has been an amazing blessing to be back with people who are familiar and genuinely care about me. There is one in particular that has really taken me under her wing. She brings such peace to my soul and seems to quiet my heart when she is near. She has taken me under her wing and always brings my anxiety back to God and she has just the right words to say as if she knows my heart more than I do.
I have begun to heal and to dream again. The world is becoming exciting to me again. I am finding my confidence one day at a time. Every month I pay my bills I pat myself on the back that I didn’t forget one and I smile knowing that I’m doing something I never thought that I could in a million years do.
Sure there are days and moments that I struggle. I fight loneliness the most. The nights get excruciatingly quiet but then I force myself to think about all that I have done and it helps.
The other day I heard my mostly nonverbal son singing. I stood there in the hallway listening to him sing the nursery rhymes he had taught himself and I began to cry in happiness. Its an amazing moment to hear a child sing that all the professionals told you would never speak. He is twelve now, and for the first time in a long time I see that sparkle back in his eyes that he had lost so many years ago. ABA has been on hiatus for months now due to covid and honestly I think it is the best thing that has ever happened to us. He is thriving. he is laughing, he is playing, he is speaking. the other day when he knew he was going to school he packed his backpack on his own and even grabbed his binder of work to take to school with him with no prompting. A year ago he would never have done this. I am watching him grow and his personality shine. I would be totally okay if therapy never started ever again. He is growing on his own and its amazing to watch. I am so proud of this boy. He is my world. Autism isn’t hard its the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Its a journey that not many get to travel and I was built for this. I was never meant for normal.
My other two kiddos love our new home. I find it amazing how they say they like it at my house better. Our new home is a mobile home. its nice and all its 2,465 square feet which encompasses the kitchen i have always dreamt of and every kiddo has their own room. My room has a fireplace in it which I think is totally cool. My room has become my sanctuary which is totally what I needed. I feel like I can dream again. I feel free to make mistakes without someone pointing them out the moment I make them.
In a lot of ways I feel young again. I find myself listening to love songs again and dreaming about the boy i might meet one day. I think about the softness in his voice or how he might hold my hand. I wonder about what it would be like to have a man calm the very parts of my soul that have been broken. I realize that it might not be in the cards for me to find a man like that with autism in tow and all. Its not like I can really go out much to meet anyone but hey even if it doesn’t happen the dream doesn’t have to die. At least the dream is there and that’s priceless in and of itself.
well, I think that is all I have for tonight. Thank you for listening. I want to leave you with one last thought.. the biggest lesson I learned this year is this, No matter what is going on in life the worst thing you can lose is your ability to dream once you lose your ability to dream your spirit is lost along with it. So keep dreaming even if you think what you dream is impossible. People are watching, be the person you needed when you were struggling it makes all the difference.